As the seasons change I get a feeling. This happens every year. The temperature drops slightly and a little twang of excitement ignites in my stomach. I Love This Season.
I love the crispness, both with the leaves and the cool breeze. I love the colours, the welly weather and I love the pumpkin spice.
But (and this is massive dramatic ‘but’) – this year an even stronger twang has hit my stomach, and this is more based around numerics.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, I may not act it, but this year I turn thirty. How do I feel about it? Well to be honest, I’m sick to my stomach.
The inevitable question keeps popping into my head (at the most inopportune times might I add) – am I where I want to be / thought I would be / think I should be – with this life?
If alarms, sirens and red flashing lights all alerting to danger could go off right now they should. It feels as if this topic should be entirely avoided without alcohol or at least professional help. Yet, all too often we find ourselves wide awake in the middle of the night, freaking ourselves the-fuck-out with these questions.
Enough is enough – it needs to stop.
Learning not to hold myself prisoner to the expectations I had of myself at 12 years old, is a constant process.
Where I think I should be and where I actually am in life are two very different concepts. They constantly wrestle with each other, keeping me awake at 4am in the morning.
Life by definition is “the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death”.Google definitions
I’m trying to remind myself that (as dramatic as I sound right now with this entire post) life does not stop just because I’m turning 30. Continual change is a part of life, as is growth, as is development. And this is okay. I’m still in a process and probably always will be in some form of process for the rest of my life. Because that is life.
Instead of this being one of those posts with a list of “thirty things I’ve learnt in my thirty years of life” or whatever, I’m choosing instead to resolve. It’s like New Years Resolutions, but a little bit early. Well this is a new year of my life, no?! So I’m going to crack on and get a head start.
New “Year of Life” Resolutions:
- Eat better – I say this every time, but my body is honestly now not what it once was, and my brain needs to catch up.
- Sort out my finances – being more financially aware and saving for the future is going to be a massive focus. Sensible things like paying off debt, savings and thinking about pensions are definitely going to come into play.
- Nurture a hobby – I don’t actually currently commit to a hobby. Whether it be a club, a class, this blog, or an interest group, I feel like its time to focus on not just work and play.
- Read more – my phone is permanently my source of entertainment, distraction, information and overall consumption. As much as I can appreciate the wonder and magic behind the technology, it’s also keeping me awake and raising my anxiety levels. I don’t even realise until its 2am or I’m feeling panicky and its just too late! So putting it down and picking up a book sounds like a good place to start. Plus, it’s said that increasing your reading frequency can help improve your writing skills.
For anyone else reading this, relating and finding themselves in the same position (whether they are turning thirty or not) I give you permission to let it all fucking go. Let go of the expectations (thats both from yourself and others) and instead set goals.
Consider this post my PSA that not everyone is thrilled about turning thirty! You can call them flirty, dirty or sugar coat them however you like. I’m here to say its okay not to be okay about entering your thirties! And that it, like everything else is a process.